Drunk On You
by Irrepressable
Summary: Clara and the Doctor attend a wine tasting on a planet made entirely out of cheese. Clara didn't really anticipate the extent of the effect that said cheese would have on the Doctor's Time Lord biology.


**Hello, readers. It's me again. I've been planning this story for quite some time. Some years ago, I wrote a story where Ten and Rose go to a planet made entirely out of cheese. I've grown unsatisfied with it and have decided to rewrite it, at least on AO3. This time, Twelve and Clara are on the planet. It's a bit different. There's no smut in this one-shot. I hope that my dear readers will be satisfied with a regular, non-smutty fic. I'd rate it at T. Anyway, I hope you all like it. Reviews are love!**

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It was just another day for Clara Oswald and the Doctor. This time, it was uncertain whether they would have to deal with an evil plot or not. Just in case, Clara had chosen comfortable heels that she could actually run in. Who knew that she could run in heels? She certainly did. The Impossible Girl sat in the Doctor's chair, watching the Time Lord. "I can't believe that we're going to a wine tasting. I thought you didn't like alcohol."

The Doctor shrugged and said, "New body, new rules. Party-appropriate dress?"

Clara glanced down at the burgundy dress that she was wearing, which was just barely long enough. "Check." she replied.

"Sonic screwdriver?" he questioned.

"I made sure that it was in your jacket's right pocket." Clara replied. "Check."

The Doctor was currently wearing a black, very sharp-looking suit with a black waistcoat and a burgundy dress shirt. He was currently struggling with his silver necktie. "What about the banana?" he asked.

"Why would we need a banana?" Clara asked.

"They're full of potassium. A party isn't a party until someone takes out a banana, Rose." the Doctor replied, not realizing that he had misnamed his companion.

Clara held back a sigh and let this one slide. It wasn't the first time that he had called her Rose and she had yet to call him out on it. She watched the Time Lord struggle a little longer before letting out a sigh. She got up and headed over to him. She gently pushed his hands off of his tie. He gave her a surprised look but quickly looked away. Within seconds, Clara had executed the perfect Windsor knot. The Doctor looked back up at his companion, a baffled expression on his face as he asked, "How did you know how to do that?"

"Google." Clara replied with a shrug. "I also ran into one of my students the weekend before this last one." She smiled. "He was taking a girl out on their first date. He wanted to impress her. I Googled it and helped him out."

"The pudding brain should have done it himself." the Doctor huffed.

Clara smirked and said, "Says the 2000 year old who can't tie a simple Windsor knot."

"It's been a while, okay?" The Doctor groaned. "Last time I put a necktie on was several regenerations ago." He shoved his hands into his pockets and scowled. His expression lifted when he pulled a banana out of his left pocket. "Banana." he said simply. "Check."

"If that's all we need, then let's head to that wine tasting." Clara said with a bright smile.

"Right." the Doctor said.

He turned around and headed to the console, pressing buttons, flicking switches, and pulling levers. Clara wouldn't say it out loud, but her stick insect looked very edible- wrong word, she thought- in that well-fitted suit. She realized that the Doctor's suit made him look every bit the handsome silver fox. It was there before. She just hadn't noticed it. When the TARDIS touched down, the Doctor turned to look at Clara. "We're here." he announced. "Welcome to Quesodyne."

Clara looked at the door, relieved to have an excuse to not stare at the Doctor. The duo then exited the time-ship. They seemed to be in a rather nice area, moderately wooded with a fancy-looking building off in the distance. There was a strange smell in the air, something familiar that she couldn't quite place. When they were just outside the building, she realized what it was. "Doctor, this place smells like cheese."

"Of course it does." the Time Lord replied. "Quesodyne is made almost entirely out of cheese."

"Is it edible or do I have to worry about my face melting off and my heart exploding?" Clara asked, half snarky and half serious.

"It's one hundred percent safe for humans." the Doctor replied. "I shouldn't eat it, though."

A man welcomed the duo into the building. Still talking to the Doctor, Clara asked, "Why? Does it make _your_ hearts explode?"

"No, it's... well, let's just say that when ingested by Time Lords, it can cause us to behave in a manner that is," the Doctor paused, "Less than dignified."

"I should keep you away from the cheese platter, then." Clara said with a smirk.

"That's not necessary." the Doctor replied as they entered the room where the wine tasting would be held. "The colonists on Quesodyne export the cheese rather than eating it themselves. There shouldn't be any Quesodynian cheese on the menu."

Clara shrugged and said, "If you say so."

It was then that the wine tasting started. The Doctor and Clara both took a glass. "A delightful Chardonnay from Vino III. If you'll taste it, you'll notice that it has an oaky quality with hints of vanilla."

The tasting went on for a while before the Doctor headed over to the cheese platter. It wasn't long before Clara's very particular type of beauty happened to catch the attention of one of the other attendees. He made his way over to her and smiled, holding out his hand. "Hello. Mortimer Ogelthorpe. Who might I have the pleasure of meeting?"

"I'm Clara." Clara replied, shaking Mortimer's hand. "Clara Oswald."

Mortimer smiled, oozing charm from every pore. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Clara Oswald."

"Likewise." Clara said, returning his smile.

The dark-haired, swarthy-skinned human then said, "I'd offer to get you a drink, but it seems that you've already got one." He indicated the glass of wine that was still in Clara's hand.

Clara couldn't help but chuckle a little at the man's stupid joke. It was then that she felt as if someone was watching her. She looked over Mortimer's shoulder to see the Doctor staring intensely at her and Mortimer. If it was meant to be intimidating, it didn't work very well because he had yet to stop eating cheese. If he kept this up, Clara thought, he might get constipated. "You have a lovely laugh, Clara Oswald." Mortimer smiled at her, placing a hand on her forearm.

Clara couldn't help but give Mortimer a smile that could almost be described as coy. She looked past Mortimer again and saw that the Doctor was straight up _glaring_ at them. What was his problem? Was he being an idiot again? An idiot who looked very handsome, but still an idiot. Mortimer laughed and said, "Not only are you beautiful but you put up with my dumb jokes? You truly are a wonder."

Were it possible, the Doctor would be glaring holes through Mortimer. The Time Lord had activated his Attack Eyebrows and was using them at full capacity. His gaze then shifted to Clara and he looked at her with a different kind of intensity. It was as if his very eyes were taking her breath away, and not in a bad way. He then began his approach. "Clara." he called to her. His voice definitely had a bit of a slur to it and he was unsteady on his feet.

Clara quickly pushed Mortimer aside and headed over to her Time Lord. "Doctor, are you okay?" the asked.

"I think I need to go back to the TARDIS." he murmured.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" Clara groaned.

"I can't get drunk, Clara." the Doctor said with a drunk-looking grin. "My superior Time Lord physiology allows me to process alcohol more efficiently than humans can."

He stumbled and Clara barely managed to catch him. He may have been a skinny stick, but he was surprisingly heavy as dead weight. The Time Lord managed to regain his foothold and stood up once again. Still, Clara had to half-lead, half-drag him out of the mansion as they made their way to the TARDIS. Once they were inside, Clara tried to lead him to his chair so he could sit down. He lost his foothold again and fell backwards. He grabbed Clara by the wrist, attempting to keep himself upright, but he fell back into the chair. Because of the way he was gripping her, she fell into him and was positioned so she was straddling his lap. "Are you sure you're not drunk?" Clara asked.

The Time Lord looked away from his companion, not meeting her eyes. "It was the cheese platter." he said. He then looked back at Clara. "There was Quesodynian cheese on it. It made me, well... I guess you could call it drunk."

The petite brunette let out a sigh and asked, "Just how drunk _are_ you?"

The Doctor got that intense look in his eyes again and Clara tried to ignore the way it made her feel strangely warm inside. He hesitated for a moment before he replied, "Drunk enough to do this."

Then, without warning, he lowered his face to hers, claiming her lips in a smoldering kiss. Clara was shocked at first and didn't know how to react. He buried his fingers in her brown tresses, angling her head so he could deepen the kiss. Then, just as suddenly as he had kissed her, he wrenched himself away. "Clara, I- I didn't mean- that wasn't on purpose!"

"Are you sure?" Clara asked breathlessly, bringing her fingers up to touch her lips.

"I shouldn't be doing that." the Doctor stammered. "I'm not your boyfriend. We can't do this. You're with PE."

Clara couldn't help but let out an exasperated sigh. "Doctor, Danny and I broke up three weeks ago when he found out that I was still travelling with you."

"Oh." the Doctor replied simply.

"Yeah." Clara said. "That's what happened."

The Doctor had an awkward look on his face. "I see." He cleared his throat. "Well, it seems that you're currently boyfriendless."

"Yep." Clara replied. "I'm free to do what I want."

"Like what?" the Doctor asked.

Clara smiled coyly and said, "Like this."

She then pulled him down to her, capturing his lips just as he had captured hers. After a while, she had to pull away to catch her breath. She then realized that the Doctor's hands on her hips. "This." he said breathlessly, despite his complicated respiratory system. "This is definitely good."

"Very good." Clara said with a smile.

"So good, in fact, that I believe that I've come up with a solution to your boyfriend problem." the Doctor couldn't help but smirk.

"Did you have someone in mind?" Clara asked coyly.

"I might know someone." the Doctor replied with a smile that was supposed to be seductive but instead looked rather silly.

"That's good." Clara said. "Who did you have in mind?"

The Doctor chuckled and said, "You'll have your answer soon, but I have to do something first."

"What do you need to do?" Clara asked.

The Time Lord pulled his Impossible girl to him, moving closer so their faces were mere inches apart. His expression was best described as 'smoldering intensity'. He then replied, "This."

He took her in his arms, holding her tightly as he pressed his lips to hers. When they separated, Clara said, "Well, now that I've found a boyfriend, maybe I should skip the first to dates and start with the third."

The Doctor rose from his chair and swooped Clara into his arms. "Third date it is." he replied.

The two shared a conspiratory grin. "Bedroom?" the Doctor asked.

"Bedroom it is." Clara replied.


End file.
